


I Love Him...

by PoeticPanda11



Category: Persona 5
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Bisexual Persona 5 Protagonist, Bisexual Sakamoto Ryuji, Boys In Love, Comfort/Angst, Crying, Dorks in Love, Falling In Love, Friendship, Friendship/Love, Friendzone, Good Boy Sakamoto Ryuji, Hurt Sakamoto Ryuji, I'm Bad At Summaries, I'm Bad At Tagging, Idiots in Love, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Inspired by Music, Les Misérables References, Love, M/M, Movie Reference, Musical References, Oblivious Sakamoto Ryuji, One Shot, POV Alternating, POV Persona 5 Protagonist, POV Sakamoto Ryuji, Persona 5 Protagonist Needs a Hug, Pining, Post-November 20 Interrogation (Persona 5), Sad Sakamoto Ryuji, Sakamoto Ryuji Needs a Hug, Short One Shot, Slow Burn, Song Lyrics, Songfic, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-09
Updated: 2020-07-09
Packaged: 2021-03-05 04:49:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,319
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25158784
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PoeticPanda11/pseuds/PoeticPanda11
Summary: ... but only on my own
Relationships: Amamiya Ren/Sakamoto Ryuji, Kurusu Akira/Sakamoto Ryuji, Persona 5 Protagonist/Sakamoto Ryuji
Comments: 9
Kudos: 37





	I Love Him...

**Author's Note:**

> Yay! New Pegoryu fic! Hope y'all like a bit of angst!
> 
> I decided to use Ren instead of Akira for this fic. Just as a change plus to celebrate the announcement of the English dub of P5 Anime on Twitter.
> 
> Also, the horizontal line indicates a POV change so you know who's who. The tildes near the end is a dramatic POV change too.
> 
> Listen to the song On My Own from Les Misérables to really get a feel for this fic. Here is the link to the song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=deUgUoJ4z5I

_[On my own_

_Pretending he's beside me_

_All alone_

_I walk with him till morning]_

He smiles and waves goodbye to catch his next train home. I wave back with a soft smile. Just like that, it felt like my world dimmed a bit without his bright grin. As I stepped in my own train and sit down, I pretend he’s still here sitting next to me. We would talk about random things that came to mind and I could listen to his voice all day.

I step out of the train and head out back to the café. Still in my head, I take slow steps and imagine us staying out till late, doing what rebellious teenagers do without a care in the world. No worries about a dimension filled with mythical monsters and gods or distorted cognitions of the people in Tokyo. He would walk me back home first because that’s the kind of person he is; he cares for the ones around him.

_[Without him_

_I feel his arms around me_

_And when I lose my way I close my eyes_

_And he has found me]_

I’m just a friend to him. That’s all I’ll ever be to him. There’s no way he feels the same way that I do about him. The most I can really get is a friendly gesture of his arm around my shoulders. Don’t get me wrong; I treasure those friendly touches. The warmth of his arm around my neck is comforting.

Sometimes… I just wish he would hold me differently.

And whenever he sees me thinking too hard or he can feel that something isn’t right about me, he slings his arm around my shoulders and gives me that smile that can light up all of Tokyo. His chocolate brown eyes filled with life, staring back at my own, determined to bring me out of my thoughts and he asks ‘what’s wrong’.

When I don’t have an answer as I stare back at his eyes, I give him a genuine smile and say ‘it’s nothing’. It’s like he has his own special power outside of the Metaverse; just looking at his doe-like eyes will melt all of those insecure thoughts and doubts.

He’s doubtful for a second, but he grins back when he sees that I’m back to my normal self.

* * *

_[In the rain the pavement shines like silver]_

April 11th. It was lightly raining and I forgot to bring my umbrella. It’s not too bad though; the scenery was pretty nice. Turning the corner, I saw an old friend getting into a sickly familiar car that someone I deeply despised drove in.

I had to stop her. He’ll ruin her life like he did mine.

But he ruined my leg and it was acting up as I ran to try and catch up to the car. It drove away and I cursed out that man.

Then I heard his voice.

I turn to see him. His eyes, grey wonders, looking back at me with confusion at my frustrated words. Those grey eyes… a different colour of grey…

I didn’t think much of it at the time but, I’m glad to see a different colour in this grey world my life turned into.

_[All the lights are misty in the river_

_In the darkness, the trees are full of starlight_

_And all I see is him and me forever and forever]_

Today, we stayed near the fishing spot a little late than usual. Nothing was biting today but, it wasn’t all that bad. Having him around was just fine with me. The heat was getting to us so we moved to a shaded area until the sunset, talking away about whatever. The street lights rippled on the water surface and we could see some stars peeking out from the spaces of the leaves and branches. Everything was peaceful around us. Just me and my best friend lying under the trees.

I don’t know why but… everything just felt… right.

I turn my head to see his eyes are closed. Did he fall asleep? Or is he thinking about something? He looks at peace and calm like this. I kept him out here too long, it’s best to get going. But… at the same time, I don’t want to disturb him when he’s like that.

* * *

_[And I know it's only in my mind_

_That I'm talking to myself and not to him_

_And although I know that he is blind]_

My heart wants him. But we can’t have everything we want. That’s just the way things are in life. It’s not fair in the slightest. Maybe in a perfect world or even another life, we could be something more than friends. I could have been a girl in another world; the one that he’s looking for. Or he swings the other way in another world and I’d have a chance with him.

It’s ridiculous that I think about these different possibilities a lot of the time. I know it’s dumb and I should give up and move on.

But… goddamn it hurts to not be his.

A soft quiet voice calls me out of my thoughts. I turn to him and hum as a response. He smiles back, says that he was making sure I didn’t fall asleep on him.

I smiled back at his teasing tone. That’s all we were: friends that tease each other. I shouldn’t be selfish. I can’t ask for more of him.

I don’t want to risk losing what we have right now.

_[Still I say, there's a way for us]_

My heart needs to stop. It needs to stop fluttering at the sight of his face highlighted by the moonlight peeking through the branches and leaves. I turn back to the stars above me and tell him that I want to stay here a bit longer. I suggest to him that he can go ahead and we can hang out again sometime.

I really am selfish. I want more of his time.

Maybe I’m just going through one of those high school crushes. It’ll fade and I’ll be okay. But right now, all I want is to be a little closer to him and rest my head on his chest. His strong arm would wrap around me securely as we stay here for a few more minutes.

That’s just a pipe dream. A dream I think of too much.

_[I love him_

_But when the night is over_

_He is gone_

_The river's just a river]_

He gets up to leave, says he should help his mom back home. I sit up and we do a fist bump. He starts walking away and salutes back at me. I smile as I watched his figure get further from me. Maybe I should have gotten up and reeled him in for a hug.

…No, too clingy.

Once he turns the corner, I’m all alone in this perfect and calm scenery. I should get going soon too. Because all of the sudden, the scenery isn’t the same anymore. Not without someone to share it with.

* * *

_[Without him_

_The world around me changes_

_The trees are bare and everywhere_

_The streets are full of strangers]_

Everything is different without him now. Why did… that happen? Why was leaving him… it feels… wrong… not having him by my side. To not have him walking together to the train station longer.

This didn’t feel right. And… I don’t think I like it one bit. I turn my head back. Was it worth it to go back for him? Convince him to come with me? He might have left already.

Strangers looked at me with judging eyes and raised brows at my sudden stop but I paid them no mind. Without realizing it, I fully turned around and started walking back to him. Then, picked up the pace and jogged, until I was full on sprinting like I did back in my track days.

He wasn’t there when I got back. Figures.

I felt my phone vibrate and I take it out to see he messaged me saying he’s on the train back home and hopes that I get home safely. I reply back and lie; saying I’m back home and text him goodnight.

I think… I might have effed up. Somehow.

* * *

_[I love him_

_But every day I'm learning]_

Each day we hang out, I’ve learned a lot of the things he likes: his favorite manga, his favorite movie genre, the kind of girl he likes, his favorite video game, his favorite brand of running shoes, the music genre he listens to, and many more. What I would do to bring him all of his favorite things just to make him happy.

Even bring him the kind of girl he likes. Because that’s what a friend does for another; they wingman for each other.

_[All my life_

_I've only been pretending]_

But to be honest, I wish I could be that girl. Or, I wish he would look at me that way. Something as more than a friend. That’s all I’ve ever done in my life; pretend I’m okay. Pretend that what I have is okay. Pretend that what’s going on is okay.

…No. Not this time.

For once in my life, I’ll be selfish. I’ll tell him how I feel when this is over.

_[Without me_

_His world will go on turning]_

Even if… he doesn’t reciprocate my feelings, I’ll be okay. If our friendship ends because I decided to be selfish, that’s okay. It just means… he wasn’t the one for me. And… I at least told him how I really feel. I was honest and maybe this weight on my chest will be lifted.

_[A world that's full of happiness_

_That I have never known]_

One day he’ll find the girl who will feel the same way that I feel for him. After senior year of high school, he’ll be happier and things will look up for him. He’ll be successful in whatever he decides to do and his life will be brighter. He’ll be okay…

… With or without me.

As for me, well, I’ll move back to my hometown after probation. Back to the dreary, secluded, reserved, boring, and unsettling quiet life. Maybe go to the post-secondary school my parents went to after high school. He’ll forget about me… and, I’ll forget about him.

I breathe out shakily and rub my eyes, feeling the hot tears behind them. It’s gonna be another one of those sleepless nights of overthinking, huh? Especially when there’s an important mission tomorrow.

I turn to face the wall and close my eyes. Showing weakness is a no-no for me. I’m the leader; I have to be strong. For everyone.

But… maybe tonight, I can quietly let my guard down.

So I do.

I quietly let the tears roll down the side of my eyes, dreading of what’s to come.

~

~

~

I reach out and carefully hold his hand. Tears blurring my vision of him. He laid asleep on his bed, battered and bruised. His face is turned to me and it hurts to see him like this. Blue and purple marks littered his face and other parts of his body.

But… he’s here. He’s alive. He’s with us.

… He’s with me.

_[I love him]_

Choking out a sob, I squeezed my eyes shut as more tears came out. I carefully squeeze his hand, hoping I don’t hurt him or wake him up. I’ll never forgive the ones who did this to him. He didn’t deserve all that abuse. I should be the one taking the hits. I should have gone with him.

I… couldn’t protect him.

I’m his right hand man. I should have tried to persuade him and the others that I should have gotten caught instead of him. That way, he won’t be the way he is right now. But, he paid the price for us.

Gritting my teeth, I shakily breathed out through them. I open my eyes again to see him still asleep. His bangs were in the way, so I reach up and carefully swipe them away.

_[I love him]_

His face contorts to a slight grimace and lets out a quiet whine. I quickly retreat my hand. Did I hurt him? No… is he having a nightmare?

He squirms a bit and he’s making sounds of fear. I carefully reach up and cup his face. Almost instantly, his body tenses for a second then relaxes. His face relaxes as well. I give him a small smile even if he can’t see me.

I gently stroke my thumb against the bandage on his cheek. He won’t be able to leave the café for a while. That’s fine, he needs to rest and recover. I’ll keep in contact with him and try to visit him every other day so that it isn’t too suspicious if someone’s keeping tabs on me and the others.

And... he won't be too lonely.

_[I love him]_

“I can’t believe you had to almost die for me to realize how I felt about you. I’m so stupid. I really am dumb, huh?” I continue stroking his cheek. “…But, you probably don’t feel the same way I do. You’d probably think I’m a freak if I told you. I can’t lose you again… so…” I swallow a lump in my throat.

No… it’s best if it stays this way. Nothing’s gonna change between us. I almost lost him and I’m not gonna lose him just because I want something more than what I have with you. Even if he did feel the same way… he can do so much better than me.

“So… I’ll be right here for you. Like I said I would be.” I smile again.

Even if… we can’t _really_ be together

_[But only on my own]_

“Get well soon, Renren.”

**Author's Note:**

> I couldn't decide if it should have just been Ren's POV or Ryuji's POV so I decided to add both.
> 
> I also couldn't decide if I should have used Ryuji and the gang dropping off Ren in his hometown as the ending. I figured the post-interrogation would have more angst to it so I chose that instead.
> 
> Leave a kudos and comment if you did! <3


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